


safe inside

by flymetomanchester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Make of it what you will, Song fic, this isn't the best and i wrote it at 3 am so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-27 20:04:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17773382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flymetomanchester/pseuds/flymetomanchester
Summary: a short snippet inspired by safe inside by james arthur





	safe inside

To say that it was an understatement. Phil was horrified and crushed. Crushed by a pounding weight that never seemed to be taken off of him. No matter how hard he tried, he never could escape it. It crushed his ribs against his lungs and made it hard to breathe. Almost as if thorns grew in his lungs and pierced him from the inside out.

From dusk till dawn, most nights, to say the least, Phil was pacing through his flat. The flat that he once shared with someone who he would give everything up for. But he didn’t know if that feeling retaliated anymore towards him. Or if Dan felt that way about the new person in his life who Phil couldn’t stand. Yet each night he was filled with worry.

When Phil first met Dan he learned very quickly that he had a deep dependency on drinking. Dan never told him what started it, but Phil knew it existed. Most times Dan reeked. He reached of the smell that drove them apart and Phil couldn’t stand that. Phil couldn’t stand the fact that someone he loved who didn’t love him back. And if he did, Phil couldn’t tell. It was never clear whether Dan did or not.

Many nights Phil would come home and find Dan passed out on the floor. Sometimes he was laying in a pile of his own vomit. Others Dan was dangerously close to an object and Phil had no idea if he hit his head or not causing more damage. Phil only knew one thing. And that was that the next night something similar would occur.

Phil would be lying if he dared to try and say there wasn’t a time where he wasn’t heavily involved as well. There was a time when the only thing Phil wanted to do was please Dan because it meant the two were closer. It may not have been in ways that he wanted, but it was something. It was a chance that Phil had to be closer mentally and physically. Even if he barely remembered a thing the next day.

_One. Two. Three. Drink._

Phil remembers how vile it was. Constantly drinking most of the day away and breaking all the morals that he had for himself. There was never a day that passed that he didn’t hate himself for what he was doing. Never a day. But he didn’t stop himself when he should have.

_One. Two. Three. Breathe._

Phil remembers how Dan’s lips felt on his neck after a few drinks. It was like the devil’s poison. Something so wrong, so morally wrong. Every time it started Phil was sober enough to push Dan off. But he didn’t. He physically couldn’t. Phil craved the touch. He craved Dan and only Dan. It gave him that.

Phil remembers how he would go limp under Dan and he would take control. How Dan would guide his hands all over Dan’s body and tangle his fingers in his hair as they kissed. Never once was it a kiss out of love. Yet it was purely out of lust. Lust for something more. Dan wanted sex and most times he got that.

It would always hurt the next day. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Phil’s body would ache from their actions the day before. His hips would have marks on them left by Dan’s touch. More so his nails digging into Phil’s flesh just to have a better grip to fuck him with. Besides that, neither of them ever thought to prep Phil. They just jumped straight in and when that happened all thought was lost to being safe.

Mentally Phil was always tired the next day. He would lay in bed for hours on end, trying to ignore the pain. But he couldn’t. So sometimes he cried. Others he slept. But that was always short lived when Dan would come in and suggest they go drinking once again. Reluctantly Phil would agree and he would lose another part of himself. A part of himself that he may just never get back.

Emotionally it was scarring. He grew to think that this is what love was and for a while, he believed it. For the longest time. Dan was the only reason he put up with it and never tried to persuade his mind. Cause in Dan’s drunken arms is where he was happy.

Dan lived in a fairy tale and Phil lived in reality.

Eventually, he couldn’t take it any longer. Many days he would lock himself in his room and nurture himself back to who he was. He tried pleading with Dan to stay in and just watch a movie with him. He would remember how his eyes stung from the tears he shed begging him. Dan never stayed though and after so long Phil gave up. Was there a point in begging him to stay when quite obviously he didn’t want to?

Just like Phil, Dan grew tired of it. But unlike Phil, it wasn’t drinking he grew tired from. It was from Phil. It was Phil and the constant state of nagging that he thought he lived in. It was the constant state of Phil being a downer in his opinion and trying to control his life. His parents did the same and kicked him out for that when they realized that he just wouldn’t change. Now Dan, before he could let Phil even think of doing that, ran to the arms of someone else.

Someone who for the longest time Dan didn’t even know his name. Just that he was great in bed and Dan loved it. When he came along all control Dan had left and moved to him. Control that took his very breath away. Dan felt relief that he was searching for and Phil had no idea what was happening to his once best friend.

Phil remembers how many nights he would lie in bed and tears would well in his eyes. They would stay there until he knew Dan was gone and then he would cry. He would cry until it became sobs that wracked his body. Sobs of despair because he knew he couldn’t help Dan because Dan didn’t want the help. Until the day that Dan wanted it, Phil was useless.

Falling back on his bed, Phil stared at the ceiling. His phone lay beside him which he hoped would ring. He hoped Dan’s number would show up on it just to tell him that he’s alright. It was. habit. Whether Dan was telling the truth or not, Phil’s mind was at as ease when he heard Dan say he was alright. Many nights Phil hardly got any sleep from the worry that bubbled in him.

_Will you please call me? And tell me that you’re alright?_ Phil thought to himself while he pleaded that Dan was home sober and just ignoring him.

But that wasn’t true, and Phil knew that.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> catch me over on tumblr [@rwdaf](https://rwdaf.tumblr.com)
> 
> [ reblog on tumblr ](https://rwdaf.tumblr.com/post/182793310305/safe-inside-summary-a-short-snippet-inspired-by)


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